I’m Not Scared

November 7, 2009

Who am I to share insights into how life should be lived? You’ve come to this blog hoping that I can provide you with some guidance, some way of improving who you are, of making your life a bit better. But I know myself pretty well, and I’m no slick-packaged guru. Even if I shave my head, put on a long-sleeve black shirt, and stare knowingly into the lens of a professional photographer’s camera, I’m afraid you’ll see right through me.

I’m just a guy who happens to think an inordinate amount about why we’re all here, what we’re supposed to be doing, and I believe that people can be happy doing what they are meant to do in life. But sometimes I have doubts about my abilities, and at times I look in the mirror and, frankly, want to turn away. I’m not smart enough. There are many great books I haven’t read. I’m not good looking enough. I’m too old.  Perhaps no one will find my “insights” particularly insightful. Maybe I should just forget about this idealistic notion of finding meaning in life. Why don’t I just settle into a nice comfortable corporate consulting gig, make a good living, and enjoy the weekends?

My specific fears are unique to me, but doubting one’s ability to do what a calling is asking you to do is hardly novel. Anyone who has a sense of calling, a persistent tugging at their heart, a soul that’s hearing a quiet voice beckoning to seek a different Path, will face doubts. Real doubts, painful doubts will appear as you stand on the edge of the pool and contemplate jumping into the deep end. Even if you do jump, after you’re submerged you’ll wonder if you can really swim.

It’s interesting that we can be so self-confident in our pursuit of a conventional lifestyle that requires considerable skills and abilities, but yields so little satisfaction, but at the same time doubtful about listening to our calling. We know that we can do what we’re doing now, but we also know that at a very deep level, we don’t want to do it; it’s simply not right. I’m scared that I’m not good enough for my calling, even though my heart knows that I’m called. But as I’m writing this post it suddenly strikes me—would the One who calls ask me to travel on a Path that I am not talented enough to travel upon? True, I must learn every day. True, many are smarter, wiser, better looking, funnier, more articulate, etc. But I must respond to the call, my Purpose in life, “it” won’t leave me alone…and it never will. Life is not about perfection, and it’s not about me. Life is about a response to the One who is calling me to follow a path that will provide the world with something that is needed. In many ways, it’s true that I’m not good enough, but the One who calls also empowers. The One who calls is good enough. I’m not scared about the Journey when I recognize this reality.